I’m feeling a bit provocative today.
A friend and I were discussing why mainline churches (Lutheran, Presbyterian, Episcopalian, Methodist) have a hard time reaching boys and men. He wondered if it was the increasing pro-gay stance these denominations are taking. Regardless of right or wrong, he said, could it be that the average man is still uncomfortable with homosexuality and that the emphasis put on that issue by mainline denominations is keeping men away. (That’s a hot topic for another day!)
I gave him my own take. I said: I can tell you the reason why men are staying away in two words: Male Pastors!
I happen to be somewhat of an authority on male pastors in mainline churches because I am a male pastor in a mainline denomination (Lutheran). Based on my experience, here are some reasons why mainline male pastors have a hard time reaching boys and men:
1) We tend to be more verbal than the average male. That’s not a bad thing. But guys are wired to be visual. We male pastor types tend to rely on our verbal skills to the detriment of visuals, metaphors, stories, and so on, and we end up losing men. Or we expect the average guy to be as verbally articulate as we are…and that can be intimidating for him. It makes him feel like a loser and guys hate losing.
2) We tend to read more books and different kinds of books than the average male. That’s not a bad thing. Unless we keep referring to books the average guy has never heard of…books by NT Wright, Brian McLaren, Rob Bell, or Dallas Willard. (Any mention of books by Tim Wright is not only acceptable but highly encouraged!)
3) We work for a church. For the average man church=girly. So by extension, that calls into question our manhood for some guys. (And it doesn’t help when we wear long white dresses on Sunday!)
4) We’ve been trained in a feminized world—a world that speaks best to the way a woman’s brain has been wired. We’ve been trained to use words, to get people to sit quietly and listen, to do small group sharing, to follow Jesus through knowledge rather than action. It shouldn’t be a surprise, then, that we tend to do a great job of reaching women but not such a good job of reaching men.
These are all issues that we can change rather easily. Early on when I started Community of Grace (back in 2005) I wrote out a fantastic mission statement and values statement. It was awesome. Moving. Inspiring.
Then I read (because I’m a male pastor, I read) David Murrow’s book, Why Men Hate Going to Church. I was horrified at how feminized I had become. My mission and values statements were extremely relational, with not even an ounce of testosterone in them. I had come to love singing love songs to Jesus, asking Jesus to hold me close, to let his arms surround me. Telling Jesus what a beautiful name he had. David’s book forced me to open my eyes to the things we do that speak well to women, but turn men off. I’m a man. I should have known better. But see #’s 1-4 above!
So I quickly set about to change things. We still have more women than men, but we’re working on it.
But here’s the biggest reason I believe male pastors are the problem (and here’s where it will get really provocative): too many mainline male pastors wear their anti-male image as a badge of honor. They openly flaunt their enlightened view of manhood. They brag about how they don’t know squat about sports; about how sensitive they are; about how compassionate and relational they are; and how other men ought to be more like that.
Too many male pastors even root this view of manhood in the Bible where Paul says there is neither male nor female. But Paul’s not talking about doing away with gender identification here. He stands firmly grounded in the Hebrew tradition that humans are created in the image of God male and female, equal but different. His point is that in Christ we all stand before Jesus as equals. Paul is not saying that men should start behaving and acting like women. This is an inclusion issue, not a gender identification issue.
But that “in Christ we are equal and the same” rhetoric repels the average man.
Look, all men are on a continuum. Some guys are verbal. Some guys are not. Some guys are sensitive and compassionate. Other guys have a hard time digging into those emotions. One type of man is not better than another.
But, for good or ill, there is a sense for the average guy that the average guy is a guy! He talks like a guy. He acts like a guy. He likes guy things.
The male pastor doesn’t have to like sports. But if he wants to reach guys, he should educate himself on the subject so he can relate to guys.
The male pastor can read all kinds of pastor-type books and articles. But if he wants to reach guys, he should keep up on guy culture like guy movies, for example.
The male pastor can still use his verbal skills to disciple. But he needs to include action, movement, metaphors and stories.
And please, even though in Christ we are all equal, don’t say that in Christ there is no male or female. Guys sniff that out in a heartbeat. It usually means that being a guy is bad. Being a woman is good. Too many guys feel like being a man is constantly being called into question in our culture. Male pastors who give off that vibe will have a tough time reaching boys and men.
So to all my mainline male pastor friends, be the man God created you to be. But for the sake of men and boys, learn to speak Jesus to the average guy as well.
(Disclaimer to all my male pastor friends: This is a blog post, not a dissertation. So I reserve the right to throw out statements as rock solid truth without having to back them up with good supporting materials! 🙂 Although they are still rock solid truth! 🙂 )
Searching For Tom Sawyer 