A Bias Against Testosterone? Raising Boys in a Kryptonite World

A friend sent me an email with the header: Why Boys Need Parents.  The email consisted of several pictures of boys about to do something reckless and goofy.  For example, picture:

• A young boy standing on a skateboard at the top of a steep hill in San Francisco about six blocks long, ending at a pier jutting into the ocean
• A young boy sticking a knife into an electrical outlet
• A boy with a huge frog in his mouth

And the question is, Why do boys do that?

In a word: Testosterone.  Testosterone in an energy hormone.  An action hormone.  A get something done hormone.  A risk-taking hormone.

Testosterone is the energy that causes boys to fidget when they sit too long, that demands movement to learn and bond, and that enables boys to laser focus on a particular item but makes it difficult for them to multi-task.  Imagine experiencing a surge of that volcanic energy 7 plus times a day!  That’s the story of boys as they begin to move into puberty.

On a deeper level, testosterone is the hormone that gives some insights into the purpose of boys.

Testosterone is the fuel of superheroes.  Testosterone is the energy that motivates a boy, when forged in healthy ways, to save the world.  Every boy begins life wanting to be a superhero…to fight the bad guys, to save the world.  To make the world a better place.  When harnessed for good and noble purposes, testosterone is the power that energizes our boys for greatness.

It seems, however, that our boys are increasingly growing up in a kryptonite world, a world that devalues, demeans, dismisses or misunderstands the unique power of testosterone, robbing them of their purpose and superhero power.

An example: I was watching a cartoon with my granddaughter designed for young preschool children. Each episode teaches a lesson about getting along with others. The main character is a girl and she has three male animal friends.

In this episode one of the boys was expressing his testosterone. He was a bit rambunctious. He wanted to move…to play…to make noise. The other two boys were having nothing to do with it.  Each time he splashed them or ran a circle around them, they would whine and say, “He’s being rough!”

The girl character taught them a new song: Don’t be rough…be gentle. Each time the boy got rough (and he was never really rough, just a boy moving and playing) the other boys would whine, berate the “rough boy,” and sing the song, Don’t be rough…be gentle.

Seems fair enough.  But consider how a little boy might internalize that message: Could it be…that what might hear is: Boy behavior is always bad!

Rather than helping the rambunctious boy harness his energy in appropriate ways, the lesson essentially said that boy behavior is always wrong. Never be rough. Always be gentle. Never once were the whining boys encouraged to stop their whining. Instead, their whining led to the rough boy being told to stop acting like a boy!

I think boys subtly and not so subtly hear that message over and over again as they grow and those messages act like kryptonite, robbing them of their power and purpose.

Could it be…that every time boys are made to sit quietly for extended periods of time or reprimanded for getting fidgety after longs periods of sitting, they hear: boy behavior is bad? After all, girls, who produce more calming hormones and chemicals than boys, are often rewarded for their ability to sit quietly and listen.  Education and that favors sitting, listening, talking, relating, and emoting at the expense of action, building things, and moving subtly tells boys that there is something wrong with them.

Could it be…that the fact that 85% of all stimulant addressing drugs prescribed in the entire world are prescribed to U.S. boys suggests to boys that there is something wrong with them?

Could it be…that the increasing blurring of the lines between equality and “sameness” subtly sets culture up to say that testosterone-charged boys are a problem to be solved?

Could it be…that the negative stereotypes of boys—Boys will be boys; Boys are out of control savages, Boys feel entitled (actual quotes from comments on a previous post)—permeate a boy’s world with so much power-robbing kryptonite that boys are growing into young men living down to those stereotypes?

Linda Lewis Griffith, a marriage and family therapist published an article focused on boys and violence, with a “teaser” paragraph stating the following: Most rough-and-tumble behavior is normal, but parents should keep an eye on out-of-hand aggression. 

She writes: Little boys seem pre-programmed to behave in rough-and-tumble ways.  A five-year-old dreams of being a superhero and killing bad guys with his sword.  A preschooler pretends his carrot stick is a gun and points it at the child sitting next to him at snack time.  Experts generally agree these acts are the result of increased levels of testosterone.  Yes, they cause parents (especially moms) to cringe.  But they seldom indicate an underlying mental disorder. 
In fact, they may be perfectly normal…

However, boys may be more sensitive than their sisters to the impact of witnessing violence…

She then offers some great advice for molding and shaping the power of testosterone in boys:

 *Understand that rough-and-tumble play is appropriate for boys.

*Encourage lots of outdoor time.

*Provide appropriate outlets for physical aggression.


*Seek male role models.


*Take strong stands against violence.

 *Get professional help if you’re concerned.

The best way to forge boys into good men is not to drain them of their energy but to mold and shape that energy, teaching boys how to harness their super power for good and noble purposes.

Does Liberty and Justice for All Include our Boys?

As our nation rounds the corner on another birthday and continues its long history of trying to figure out exactly what it means to be a nation of liberty and justice for all, it’s a good time to look at an increasingly “lost” group in our culture: our sons.

Fast Facts about our Boys:

According to New York Times Best-Selling Author Michael Gurian:

*For every 100 girls suspended from elementary and secondary school, 250 boys are suspended.

*For every 100 girls diagnosed with a learning disorder, 276 boys are so diagnosed.

*For every 100 girls expelled from school, 355 boys are expelled.

*Boys are expelled from preschool at five times the rate of girls.

*Boys are 60% more likely to be held back in kindergarten than girls.

*Richard Whitmire, in his book, Why Boys Fail, tells us that the reading skills of the average 17 year old boy have steadily declined over the last 20 years.

*According to Michael Reichert and Richard Hawley, policy makers in the United States calculate that if 5 percent more boys completed high school and matriculated to college, the nation would save $8 billion a year in welfare and criminal justice costs.

*More girls than boys take college prep courses in high school.

*Girls get better grades than boys and graduate from high school with higher GPA’s.

*More girls than boys take the SAT.

*More girls than boys are graduating from college.

Does that look like liberty and justice for our boys?

In the 1960’s and 1970’s, when we sensed our girls were not keeping up with our boys in education, we rolled up our collective sleeves and did something about it to the tune of $100 million dollars from the US Government and Title IX.  Backed by the women’s movement, we not only got our girls caught up, but by the 1980’s, they sailed past our boys and have now left them in the dust.  To this day, even though our girls are light years ahead of our boys, the storyline is still about how our girls are behind, facts to the contrary.

Richard Whitmire notes that boys are struggling in most Western countries.  But here’s his telling observation: What makes the United States unique is its relative indifference to the issue.  Here, the U.S. Department of Education has yet to launch a single probe into the problem. 

Not one dollar from the US Government has been spent on getting our boys caught up.  No national movement focuses on our boys (or our men).

Does that look like liberty and justice for our boys?

We are just now learning what it means to have undereducated boys growing into men.  Men who are not trained for this new emerging world dependent on reading and verbal skills.  Men who are growing up with no vision for what it means to be a man in the 21st Century.  To re-quote Kathleen Parker from a previous post: Young men now in their twenties have never experienced a culture in which men were respected or expected to be gentlemen.

Where will these men work?  What women will want to marry them?  Where will these men find significance and meaning in life?  What will society do with an increasing number of undereducated men or men who don’t fit the profile for the emerging jobs of the 21st Century?

If indeed we are a nation of liberty and justice for all, then it’s time for us as a nation to invest in our boys on a national scale.  To get them caught up in school.  To call out the noble in them.  To give them a vision for how they, along with their sisters, can change the world.

We’ve seen the power of fighting for liberty and justice for all in our battle for our girls.  Let’s do it again and fight for our boys.  Our country is much stronger when our girls and our boys can lean in to their potential.

How Moms Can Lead Their Sons Into Heroic Manhood

When our son was little, he and mom had a very close, happy relationship.  Mike was a sweet boy who had no problem giving mom hugs and asking her lots of questions.  He was her little boy.

But then Mike moved into the early stages of puberty and the relationship changed…dramatically.  With tears in her eyes, Jan asked me why her son hated her. 

What Jan didn’t know at the time was that Mike was at a crucial point in his life—the point where he had to start moving into manhood.  And the movement into manhood meant he had to to pull away from his mom.

Most moms I know aren’t prepared for that moment.  They don’t understand it.  So as their boys start moving into manhood moms often feel lost and aren’t sure what to do.

Here’s a good place to start: Partner with a local congregation and equip your son to follow Jesus into heroic manhood.  Find a church (or challenge your congregation to become a church) that shares the same passion you have for raising boys into men. Then work together to call your son into honorable adulthood.  As cultures throughout history have always known, it takes a tribe to raise a boy into a man.  That means that your son will need men—dad, grandpa, coaches, and men from the church—to help him become a man. 

The following ideas can empower you and your church to call your son into Heroic Manhood.  You will notice that most of these ideas call for men to mentor your son.  That does not mean that mom has no place in his move into manhood.  As mom, you have at least three vital, compelling roles:

1. To pour your mother’s love into your son. Though there will be times when your son seems to resist your love, he will never stop needing or craving it.  How you demonstrate that love will change as your son ages, but keep reaching out to him, keep taking an interest in his life, keep praying for him, and keep hugging him (as much as he will allow).  Remember, when men mug in front of a camera, 99% of the time they say, “Hi, mom!”  A boy never outgrows his need for mom’s love.
2. To teach him about women: You will be a primary teacher for your son on how to relate to girls.  Teach him to be the man you want him to be for you, for his future wife should he marry, for a potential future daughter, and for all of the women he will interact with during his life.  Give him insights into a woman’s world so that he can navigate his way through it with honor and goodness.  It takes a mom to instill in her son a deep understanding of women.
3. To ensure that your son has access to the “tools” necessary to become a man. While it takes a man to make a man, you can take the lead, with or without dad, by partnering with your church to do the following:

Immerse your son in masculine energy: Men are built by men.  To become men boys need masculine energy poured into them.  They need positive male role models to follow. The key to building heroic boys is to surround them with great men—their own dad (if possible) and other men—who can model responsibility, love, compassion, fatherhood, and manhood to these men in the making.  This is where the Church comes in.  The Church is full of men waiting to be called into greatness, a greatness that can be expressed by pouring themselves into boys.  This is especially crucial for boys being raised by single moms. 

Give your son a heroic vision for manhood: Moms, to the best of your ability, paint a picture of manhood for your son built on honor, courage, commitment, sacrifice, love, compassion, forgiveness, wisdom, and grace.  When you see your son acting heroically, affirm him.  When he acts less than honorably, use it as a teaching moment and call the noble out of him.  But remember, mom, a boy ultimately needs men to instill in him a vision for manhood.  Again, the church can play an important role in this by instilling that vision in boys through male mentors, teaching, correction, and rites of passage programs like Following Jesus: A Heroic Quest For Boys.

Give your son purpose: Your son was created to save the world.  Testosterone is the fuel of super heroes (although at times it may seem like the fuel for driving mom insane!).  As you see his emerging gifts and talents, affirm them in him.  Once in a while look him in the eye and tell him you know that God has created him for something very special.  Your church can help in shaping your son’s purpose as well, as the church can provide a place for boys to discover their God-given gifts and talents and root their purpose in following Jesus.

Let your boy become a man.  At some point, around puberty, your son will need to distance himself from you, as my wife experienced.  He needs to leave behind all of the feminine energy that has been shaping his life (you, the overwhelming majority of his teachers and Sunday school teachers) and enter into the world of men.  This is going to be extremely hard on you.  You will wonder at times what happened to your gentle, loving little boy.  You will wonder at other times why your son hates you.  There will be lots of tears and doubt.  But this is an absolutely crucial time in the life of your son.  Let him go…but let him go into the hands of men of faith in the local church.  And use the Church as a support group for you as you walk through this important time of transition for you and your son.

Provide the “Father Blessing” for your son: Every son (and every daughter) needs the blessing and affirmation of his father.  The father blessing sets a boy on a positive path in life.  The lack of a blessing can leave a deep, life-long wound.  Even Jesus needed the blessing of his Father to carry out his mission and ultimately face the cross.  That’s not to say, mom, that your blessing is not important.  It is crucial in building your son into a heroic man.  But the need for a son to hear his dad’s blessing is primal and deep.  Most men I interview have never received that blessing.  So if dad is in the frame, encourage him to bless your son—to say to him often: I love you.  I’m proud of you.  If dad is not in the frame, partner with your congregation and find some good men to bless your son.  At our church I regularly create opportunities for dads to bless their sons, or for men to bless boys who don’t have a dad.

Connect your son to his Heavenly Father: Through worship, prayer time as a family, involvement in Sunday school and youth programs, boys have a chance to experience the power, grace, and love of their Heavenly Father—the One who calls them to follow Jesus into heroic manhood.

These are tough days to be a boy.  These can be tough days to raise a boy.  But as moms, dads, and congregations, we can partner together to call and equip our sons to follow Jesus into heroic manhood.

The Number 1 Reason Why Mainline Churches Have a Hard Time Reaching Boys and Men

I’m feeling a bit provocative today.

A friend and I were discussing why mainline churches (Lutheran, Presbyterian, Episcopalian, Methodist) have a hard time reaching boys and men.  He wondered if it was the increasing pro-gay stance these denominations are taking.  Regardless of right or wrong, he said, could it be that the average man is still uncomfortable with homosexuality and that the emphasis put on that issue by mainline denominations is keeping men away.  (That’s a hot topic for another day!)

I gave him my own take.  I said: I can tell you the reason why men are staying away in two words:  Male Pastors!

I happen to be somewhat of an authority on male pastors in mainline churches because I am a male pastor in a mainline denomination (Lutheran).  Based on my experience, here are some reasons why mainline male pastors have a hard time reaching boys and men:

1)   We tend to be more verbal than the average male.  That’s not a bad thing.  But guys are wired to be visual.  We male pastor types tend to rely on our verbal skills to the detriment of visuals, metaphors, stories, and so on, and we end up losing men.  Or we expect the average guy to be as verbally articulate as we are…and that can be intimidating for him.  It makes him feel like a loser and guys hate losing.

2)   We tend to read more books and different kinds of books than the average male.  That’s not a bad thing.  Unless we keep referring to books the average guy has never heard of…books by NT Wright, Brian McLaren, Rob Bell, or Dallas Willard.  (Any mention of books by Tim Wright is not only acceptable but highly encouraged!)

3)   We work for a church.  For the average man church=girly.  So by extension, that calls into question our manhood for some guys.  (And it doesn’t help when we wear long white dresses on Sunday!)

4)   We’ve been trained in a feminized world—a world that speaks best to the way a woman’s brain has been wired.  We’ve been trained to use words, to get people to sit quietly and listen, to do small group sharing, to follow Jesus through knowledge rather than action.  It shouldn’t be a surprise, then, that we tend to do a great job of reaching women but not such a good job of reaching men.

These are all issues that we can change rather easily.  Early on when I started Community of Grace (back in 2005) I wrote out a fantastic mission statement and values statement.  It was awesome.  Moving.  Inspiring.

Then I read (because I’m a male pastor, I read) David Murrow’s book, Why Men Hate Going to Church.  I was horrified at how feminized I had become.  My mission and values statements were extremely relational, with not even an ounce of testosterone in them.  I had come to love singing love songs to Jesus, asking Jesus to hold me close, to let his arms surround me.  Telling Jesus what a beautiful name he had.  David’s book forced me to open my eyes to the things we do that speak well to women, but turn men off.  I’m a man.  I should have known better.  But see #’s 1-4 above!

So I quickly set about to change things.  We still have more women than men, but we’re working on it.

But here’s the biggest reason I believe male pastors are the problem (and here’s where it will get really provocative): too many mainline male pastors wear their anti-male image as a badge of honor.  They openly flaunt their enlightened view of manhood.  They brag about how they don’t know squat about sports; about how sensitive they are; about how compassionate and relational they are; and how other men ought to be more like that.

Too many male pastors even root this view of manhood in the Bible where Paul says there is neither male nor female.  But Paul’s not talking about doing away with gender identification here.  He stands firmly grounded in the Hebrew tradition that humans are created in the image of God male and female, equal but different.  His point is that in Christ we all stand before Jesus as equals.  Paul is not saying that men should start behaving and acting like women.  This is an inclusion issue, not a gender identification issue.

But that “in Christ we are equal and the same” rhetoric repels the average man.

Look, all men are on a continuum.  Some guys are verbal.  Some guys are not.  Some guys are sensitive and compassionate.  Other guys have a hard time digging into those emotions.  One type of man is not better than another.

But, for good or ill, there is a sense for the average guy that the average guy is a guy!  He talks like a guy.  He acts like a guy.  He likes guy things.

The male pastor doesn’t have to like sports.  But if he wants to reach guys, he should educate himself on the subject so he can relate to guys.

The male pastor can read all kinds of pastor-type books and articles.  But if he wants to reach guys, he should keep up on guy culture like guy movies, for example.

The male pastor can still use his verbal skills to disciple.  But he needs to include action, movement, metaphors and stories.

And please, even though in Christ we are all equal, don’t say that in Christ there is no male or female.  Guys sniff that out in a heartbeat.  It usually means that being a guy is bad.  Being a woman is good.  Too many guys feel like being a man is constantly being called into question in our culture.  Male pastors who give off that vibe will have a tough time reaching boys and men.

So to all my mainline male pastor friends, be the man God created you to be.  But for the sake of men and boys, learn to speak Jesus to the average guy as well.

(Disclaimer to all my male pastor friends: This is a blog post, not a dissertation.  So I reserve the right to throw out statements as rock solid truth without having to back them up with good supporting materials!  🙂  Although they are still rock solid truth!  🙂 )

Why I Believe the Church May be the Best Hope for our Boys

These are tough days to be a boy:

• 70% of all D’s and F’s are given to boys
• 85% of stimulant addressing drugs prescribed throughout the world are prescribed to US boys
• Over the last 20 years the reading skills of the average 17 year old boy have steadily declined
• Boys have fallen behind girls in virtually every area of education
• Boys are increasingly growing up with no compelling vision for manhood
• Some fifty years ago, when our girls were falling behind our boys in school, the US government spent over $100 million to right that wrong.  As a result, girls caught in the 1980’s and then sailed past boys.  The amount the US government has invested to get our boys caught up?  $0.

These are tough days to be the Church:

• Sexual scandals in the Catholic Church
• Angry, fringe churches like Westboro Baptist making front page news
• Pastors of mega-churches caught in various scandals of their own making
• Church and denominational splits over gay/lesbian issues
• Church attendance in decline, especially among young adults
• 70-90% of all boys leaving the church in their teens and early 20’s…and most not returning.

So it may seem cavalier or reckless for me to suggest that the Christian Church may be the best hope for our boys.

For several years a variety of voices have sounded the alarm concerning the boy crisis in our country (Michael Gurian, Michael Thompson, Peg Tyre, Richard Whitmire, to name a few).  Yet for all of the attention given to the boy crisis, the crisis is still being questioned by many under the guise of a misguided political correctness that suggests that any attempt to focus on boys will have a negative impact on our girls.

So here we are, almost 30 years after our girls caught up to and surpassed our boys, still arguing over whether or not there really is a boy crisis (there is) while the story for our boys continues to degenerate.

Having spent almost 30 years as a pastor, and having worked on the boy crisis for the last 7 years, I believe the Church may be best positioned to help us solve this boy crisis for the following reasons:

• The Church is rooted in a deep, rich, sacred view of men and women.  The Bible says that men and women are created in the Image of God.  Both male and female are good.  Both are equal.  But they are also different.  Take off our clothes and we see the difference.  Take the clothes off of our brains and we see the difference (at least 60 differences between the male and female brain have been identified so far).  The male is not better than the female, just different.  The female is not less than the male, just different.  Both are rooted in the sacred view that they are created, male and female, in the Image of God.  Based on that, the Church can rise above political correctness and stereotyping to draw out the best in our boys and our girls.  It can take the lead in reshaping the discussion, moving us from antagonism of one sex toward the other to a comprehensive, sacred appreciation of the equality and uniqueness of both.
• The Founder of Christianity offers a vision for compelling manhood. Jesus offers boys a vision of what it looks like to be a man:  Courageous, compassionate, a warrior against injustice, an advocate for the voiceless, a friend, passionate, committed, a man of his word, a man of action, gracious, humble, gentle, tough, forgiving, purposeful, commanding, strong, fully in tune with who he is, and ultimately a man willing to lay down his life not just for his friends, but for his enemies.  Imagine our boys growing up into that kind of manhood.
• The Church understands the primal need of every boy for a blessing from his father. Part of what makes a boy a man is the blessing of his father—that moment when dad looks his son in the eyes and tells him he loves him and that he is proud of who his son is becoming.  Sadly, most boys never hear those words from dad.  For some it’s because dad isn’t around.  For others it’s because dad never received that blessing from his father and so has no idea how to give it to his son.  The ministry of Jesus began with the blessing from his Father.  Armed with his father’s love and approval, Jesus had the masculine power he needed to change the world.  The Church stands in a unique position to train men to give that blessing to their sons and to boys in general.
• The Church has an army of men who can pour masculine energy into our boys.  In a time when our boys have few men investing in them, the Church is loaded with potential male mentors, who, with a bit of training, can begin to pour good masculine energy into our boys who desperately crave men in their lives.

That’s why the Church may be the best hope for our boys.  Why may be? Because the Church has a checkered record, at best, when it comes to raising boys into honorable men.  Too often the Church has raised boys to lord it over women rather than serve them.  Too often the Church has devalued women, treating them as inferior to men.  None of this has been Biblical.  None of it has been in line with Jesus and his agenda.  Yet sadly, it’s still happening today.

If the Church can get its act together and embrace its deep, sacred understanding of male and female, if the Church can let go of its past sins and truly follow Jesus, the one who is the vision for manhood, and more than that, the vision for humankind, then the Church can take the lead in changing the storyline of our boys.

Solving the “boy crisis” in Church

I just read an intriguing post by Michael Kimmel.  Michael is the author of Guyland. His post looks at the “boy crisis” in schools.  He takes aim at many of the “solutions” offered to get boys caught up in school (many of the solutions which I endorse) and boils the issue down to one thing: It’s not that schools are “feminized” but that boys no longer have a masculine vision for education.  Education is not something boys do.  So his suggested cure: Make education a sign of manhood.

While I believe that one of the reasons boys are falling behind in school is the huge tilt toward the learning styles of girls, his point is extremely important.  Somewhere over the last 50 years or so we have robbed boys of a “manly,” compelling vision for education.  They’ve come to believe that learning is girly.

Ditto for the church.  Increasingly men are staying away from church.  The church is losing its masculine energy.  And boys are growing up believing church/faith is girly.  It’s not something boys do.  I think the “feminization” of Christianity has played a large role in that.  But to Kimmel’s point, the Christian Church doesn’t hold up a compelling, testosterone-animated vision for faith that captures the imagination of boys.

So how do we solve the boy crisis in church?  I suggest several principles for helping us do that in Searching for Tom Saywer.  But here’s a great starting point: Call the boys to follow Jesus.  Inspire them with this compelling man who heals the sick, fights injustice, forgives and serves, casts out demons, battles death on a cross, and rises from the dead.  Capture their imagination with this one who puts testosterone back into faith; who offers a clear, transforming vision of what it means to be a man.  Let’s show our boys that church is something boys/men do.  Let’s “re-masculate” a vision for the church.  Make following Jesus and serving him in his church a sign of manhood.

Praise for “Searching for Tom Sawyer”

“More than 70% of the young en who are raised in church abandon it during the teens and twenties… Tim Wright examines the problem and offers real solutions to one of the greatest challenges facing the church today.”

David Murrow, author of Why Men Hate Going to Church

“No one who cares for boys, and equally no one who cares for kids and families should miss Searching for Tom Sawyer.”

Leonard Sweet, professor at Drew University and George Fox University

“Tim Wright’s diagnosis of why most of our congregations struggle to connect with guys is eye-opening and stunning… As the father of three boys, I wish I’d had this book years ago. As the pastor of a congregation, I’m glad I have it now.”

Pastor Jeff Marian, Prince of Peace Lutheran Church, Burnsville, Minnesota